We just got home from the beach and my mom, after being scarred for life last night, is vacuuming out the car while my dad washes off the beach furniture. I just had to beg my mom to not wash the car because she is that nice and it is not necessary. I decided to use this opportunity while they are outside to watch Britney's one video from her "The Singles Collection" album (just a way to make money without having to make much new stuff) for the song "3" which is about a threesome. Great timing I think.
"3"
We start with more perfume. Her hair kind of looks terrible good like when you get home from the beach and it is sun and water fried. For this song being so sexual, this video starts out pretty tame. Nevermind there are some boobs. Extreme swimsuit boobage just spilling out the side. And now we have strippers on a horizontal pole. The dance sequence with everyone in silhouette and Britney in a spot light is cool but then all of the sudden we cut back to the strippers and of course they put the girl with big ass in the thong. Funny thing that for how sexual this video is, the video version of the song says "living in this is the new thing" instead of "living in sin is the new thing". Wouldn't want to offend anyone now. We have escalated to Britney in a thong leotard with lace tights and we have girls doing the butterfly crotch pop under the stripper pole. How on Earth did I think this would be tame? So many butt cheeks and side boobs with constant sensual touching. It kind of felt like an add for Chlamydia medication.
I am a little behind on my Britney videos due to my attendance of the concert being a bit touch and go last week. Luckily, I will be seeing the fine Ms. Spears this week. Hooray. To get caught up, I watched the videos from Ms. Spears with my mother which proved to be as entertaining as it sounds
"Womanizer"
I was a little worried about watching these with my mom because Britney can be a little over
the top in the sexy department and we are beginning our first video with Britney nude in a sauna. Great. We start with cuts between Britney as a loyal house wife and her wriggling around nude and looking entirely slippery like a naked Barbie in a pool and her playing an attention starved housewife. In one nude shower shot, my mom thought Britney's sensual posing looked more like she was smelling her armpit than anything. We have a dance montage where Britney is a slutty office lady undercover to seduce her man. She wears a terrible wig. Then Britney plays a trashy cocktail waitress that my mom thought looked like Debbie Gibson. Another bad wig but this one in Cherry Cola. This scene escalates into what my mom called "an orgy in the restaurant". Then we have our last disguise with Britney as a chauffeur which my mom and I agreed was her best look. The video ends with Britney being all three temptresses and her having the ability to cover a man with a blanket and make him disappear. Would that have been handy if it were real? Mom and I agreed this video was terrible.
"Circus"
Before we started the video, my mom made the following predictions of what we would see:
Boobs but not fully uncovered, just 3/4 exposed
Bulbous butt in tight pants or skirt
She would be wet
Flippy hair that she described as "more flippy that Willow Picket-Smith"
She would caress her lips with her finger
"Genital undulations"
Instead, we began the video with product placement for her perfumes and Bulgari earrings. The video is pretty literal. She is doing dance numbers in a circus. Britney looks good and the video is fairly boring. There is a cute elephant that shakes his head and most of my mom's predictions were fairly wrong.
"If U Seek Amy"
The video starts with a fake PSA that explains the title of the song which I described to my mom before hand. She got it right away. We start the video which begins in a trashy party with panties and post coital nudging and I instantly realize this was a terrible idea to watch Britney Spears video with my mom. The first half of the video is Britney walking around what my mom described as a "heroin den". She has raccoon eyes but eventually she makes a transformation into what I think is "Amy" and my mom described as a Sandra Dee reference when raccoon Britney dons a perfect 1950s outfit with Marilyn Monroe wig and serves pie the paparazzi. It doesn't make much sense but my mom described it as Britney being herself but then representing what America wants to see her as (perfect wife and mother). This video is terrible and the song is dumb and I really hope she doesn't play it on Wednesday.
"Radar"
By this point the videos were getting boring. My mom kept making jokes about this song being about some MASH character. The video is more tame than the others with Britney ending up at a polo match of her clean cut rich lover and falling for a more bad boy polo player from the other team except that you really can't be a bad boy if you are playing polo. So really the main difference between the two men is that the "bad boy" has very textured haircut. The video likes to use the care of horses as a mode of communicating sensuality (tight shots of slow braiding of a horses mane and of a horse being sprayed with water in slow motion) which is really uncomfortable. Britney includes another perfume placement and this video is entirely forgettable. (SPOILER ALERT: She chooses the "bad boy")
"Kill the Lights"
This video was entirely animated and was a waste of my mental capacity. Basically Britney flies around in what mom said was a "flying fingernail" or "giant candy corn" to avoid the paparazzi. At one point, Mom muttered "it's so bad" under her breath. She was right. The video is linked below but you shouldn't watch it.
Recap: "Circus" was the best and "Kill the Lights" the worst. "Womanizer" made me the most uncomfortable and "Radar" was the most forgettable. "If You Seek Amy" was creepy and silly and the worst thinly veiled commentary. What did I learn from this? Britney Spears' music videos are uncomfortable to watch with your mom even if your mom is a really good sport.
Now that we have come over the hump that is marked by Kevin Federline impregnating Ms. Britney Spears and weird video "Someday I Will Understand" that came with it, we head into melt down territory. I haven't double checked my timeline but I am almost certain "Blackout" came out while Britney was trying to turn her melt down around. I think somewhere in here she dated Criss Angel Mindfreak?
"Gimme More"
I never really liked being sworn at from the beginning of this song. I hate this blond bob wig Britney but I really like the dark haired Britney in the Clockwork Orange meets truck stop stripper get up. She is beautiful but we are a full minute in and it is just B dancing on a pole with her dark hair. Just spinning and dropping and smiling and gyrating. We cut to her blond self laughing at the bar with her Lake Oswego girlfriends. The blond brigade are joining the Darkone on the pole. The changing color strobe light effect really doesn't add anything. I really like this song so it kind of drives me nuts that this video is just her dancing on the pole and showing off her butt cheeks. Her hair is clearly a wig. It looks so damaged. Britney. I just want to hug you and put conditioner in your hair. I would do that for you.
"Piece of Me"
Paparazzi starts this video which has been used way too many time by Britney. We are cutting from her doing some just sexy dance moves with her girlfriends out a window at paparazzi (I feel like we have seen this video already) to her dancing on a sound stage in another crop fir jacket in front of orange, red and blue can lights. Her belly button is still pierced so I am glad that has been lost in the last ten years of videos. Now we are adding in this thing were Britney recreates a famous tabloid moment and we get to see her ass in a g-string in this video though because she just decided to drop it all for the camera. I feel like this is the point where she crossed sexy to trashy. "My Prerogative" and "Gimme More" were close but this is not great. I hate her disguise to get in the limo and then her firing back about the coochie shot thing. Britney, you didn't wear panties with a short skirt in your crazy phase and the world saw your postpartum vagina. It isn't anyone's fault but your lack of underpants. This song always felt like a poor attempt to acknowledge of how much of a mess she is and acknowledging it in this video really doesn't do much for it. Her tight tiny purple dress makes her looks so thin and druggie. And the hair again is fake and damaged. This video which is supposed to be her firing back about not being a mess makes her look like an even bigger mess. Everyone has to hit rock bottom.
"Break the Ice"
So this one is anime? Her animated version is beautiful though and I like Britney as a super hero. Just destroying big ogres of men when they come to attack. This video does feel a little like it is the same idea as "Toxic". Britney as a spy stealing a serum of sorts. Except that she is apparently breaking in to destroy her clone. Now she is approaching some insane looking villain and she is using her kiss to kill him like she did in the Toxic video except when she kisses him his body becomes overtaken by computer code which doesn't make sense and doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the video. She ends up destroying all the clones and all of the ogre men in a fury of bombs and fire that she just back flips away from and we get a "To Be Continued". Boring.
"Blackout" starts borderline trashy with "Gimme More", goes for the big sleaze with "Piece of Me" which I loved as a singe but hate as a video, and, most likely because she was in the middle of a heavily publicized melt down, opts for a fully animated video for the "Break the Ice". The arc seems so strange until you consider what is happening behind the scenes. I just feel sad.
After a great but long day at the river, I decided to come home and bust out "Britney & Kevin: Chaotic"'s only single "Someday (I Will Understand". This is really when you knew Britney was headed for trouble as K-Fed became more involved. It is interesting that the song that really marked that period has a lot to do with God.
"Someday (I Will Understand"
We begin with a floaty magic start up. Just several fly overs to show she is near the ocean.living in Autumn, and suburban. Just gently singing from her bed on a lazy Saturday. This video has a weird overtone of death but Britney is about to give birth. Is her sexy self from the previous videos dying? Also, this video has a great reveal of her being pregnant. They shoot from boobs up until she sings about her baby for the first time and then BAM cut to the belly. She moves into cry singing into secret garden mirror right before the big reveal. So much washing of her hands which is a good sign for a future mom. The stone angels, still pool with leaves, overexposed shots of trees and singing while you are pressed against a glass window don't feel like a celebration of the upcoming life. It is like she is trapped and begging to get out. So much for gratuitous abs. They have been replaced with pregnant belly grabs. I mean they did a great job of making sure she had a pregnancy glow. Really you would think she would be doing one of her standard, dancy, fun time songs for her baby reveal video.
My friend Jenny came over and she bought way to many vegan treats and we watched Britney Spears' videos from "Greatest Hits: My Prerogative".
"My Prerogative"
Speeding cars are always Britney's best opener especially when they are interspliced with close ups of overly glossy lips and glitter eye liner. This time she just drives her Ferrari into the pool which makes the best sense to use as a super wet and sexy dance floor. She is instantly dry and exploring this creepy house where a man is just watching sex videos of her with a riding crop. It always makes the most sense to wander a creepy manor in sexy lingerie. Just slowly moving from room to room and arriving in a magical dirty boudoir with ladies in waiting and vintage hair dryer. Dirty Boudoir should have been the name of one of her fragances. I wish she wasn't wearing a chicken feather vest. Now she is just mashing about on a white be in a pair of Hanes Her Way. We are wrapping up this video with Britney hiding behind a tree only to discover a sexy rock and roll reverend who takes her to secret wedding. This is all interspliced with her cuts of her just contantly gently masterbating. Why did she decide that wrapping with just gently biting the sheet was a good ending? Jenny really wants to know why she drove that car into the pool for the first place?
"Do Somethin"
The video feels like it starts out in Space Mountain. The true star of this video will be crop faux fir shrugs and the return of the athletic tee that says "Love Boat". I throughly enjoy that when she sings "Somebody give my truck so I can ride on the clouds" she is floating in a bright pink hummer in the sky. She is also able to use her GPS to navigate to an interglatic bar called the "Hole in the Wall". In the future, bars are just as trashy as in modern day and Britney is being pushed about by her fir crop coat cliche. As a theme of "My Prerogative", there more panties but this time they are less Target in a cellophane 6 pack but more individual pairs by Daisy by Daisy Fuentes for Kohls. After much walking about, Britney and faux fir friends found some secret men. This definitely the most animated she has been in a video. It is like her inner actress finally came out. Apparently the crop fir coat clique is also a band. I am glad that her Hello Kitty necklace could make a cameo this entire video.
These videos were great by any means but Britney was definitely on her A game just making sure to be present as all hell. Unfortunately, I think this is rise before the Fall because right about this point Britney meets Kevin and things begin to fall apart. Let's revel in her greatness for the moment and await the mess that is about to come.
"In The Zone" may still be my favorite Britney album of all time. It has a good mix of different kinds of tracks from dance to slow to hip hop. Additionally, I know that I like the video for "Toxic" and for "Everytime" so I have high hopes for this album.
"Me Against the Music"
Just starts right away with an add for a Mazda. Britney is wearing a bondage style, vinyl pants suit and milling around a bunch of people which seems to be a common theme. Madonna is in another room in an all white pimp suit just lerking and watching B. on an old tube TV. Great. We are at our second advertisement with only 37 seconds in. Do you remember LidRock? Where when you went to Sbarro the drink lid gave you a code to download the song. Madonna does have a cute bulldog to keep her company as she records herself on a web cam. I guess I have to remember this is when Desperate Housewives was on TV so cougars were high fashion. Amazing dance number though. Madonna and Britney are now grinding on each other through the wall. Madonna is just writhing around as Britney leads a small dance troupe on the other side. Now they are off and trying to find each other in a wood maze. Madonna is trapped in what looks to be like mix between a hamster cage and a grade school playground and Britney and troupe have moved to a black light alley complete with appropriated graffiti. Finally, our divas have united in basically a maximum security prison cell with a bed frame. And they are just grinding on the entire thing. Madonna is back to her pimp lair dancing with what appears to be the cast of Mad Men. I do love the balsa wood maze though. Surprise ending is that when Britney finally makes it to the pimp lair she corners Madonna to kiss her but Madonna disappears. Madonna kissing Britney was old news at this point.
"Toxic"
I love that this video begins with CGI birds flying in from of a CGI plane with the hottest future flight attendant. Britney is a bad fight attendant. Her hat is crooked and she is spilling on guys' crotches. Kissing babies she shouldn't. Britney, you have to ask before you just kiss babies. Making out with old business men. Oh no, that isn't a business man. It is a top secret agent. She can tell because she pulled off his face to reveal another face. And she is going to grind on him to steal his phone. She might be a terrible flight attendant but she is great a fighting crime.
Now she is in Paris as a fire headed vixen just riding on the back of a motorcycle with Tyson Beckford who neglected a helmet. This cat suit costume and crazy make up is by far the coolest Britney look yet. She looks like a cooler version of Scar Jo in The Avengers. They should have cast Britney as the Black Widow. She is breaking in and stealing a secret serum and just dancing out of that trick laser maze. Britney as a super hero is amazing.
We have yet another disguise as Britney scales the side of a building in what looks like bondage that had tie dye fabric hanging from it. Britney with black hair is suprising hot. She is just waltzing in and making out with the male spy from the plane and now she is poisoning her former spy lover with the serum she stole. Full circle.
"Everytime"
Flying over Vegas with a sign about her tour. Looking so good in her mermaid hair in a limo. Just throwing on a ball cap so she can squeeze through the paparazzi and be ignored by this manager dude. A day in the life. This video makes me feel creepy because I feel like everything in this video has probably happened many times to B. Manager dude is just losing it throwing the tabloids everywhere and embarrassing Britney. Man this relationship is toxic. (See what I did there.) And they just fight. This video came out before Kevin Federline. It is like she is a little psychic and knew what she was getting into. So she just takes off her top and gets into the tub and we get to see her mermaid hair covering her boobs. Suddenly, her head is bleeding and now she is ghostly running through a hospital watching herself die. Everyone always calls this the one where she kills herself but I think she just has a traumatic brain injury from when manager dude kind of shoves her into a wall. Manager dude, who I think is someone famous but I can't remember (but Jake later tells me is Stephen Dorff), walks in and finds her drown in the tub. She is just a sad blue body. Most of the rest of the video is her singing in front of a woman giving birth while her blue body is being rushed to a hospital. I kind of feel like a some point they could just sync up Elton singing "Circle of Life" and you would still understand the video. Jesus, this video is beautiful but depressing. I think it is smart that the video ends with Britney coming up for air from the tube and smiling so people know she is okay. We get to see her red Kabbalah string. Remember those?
I originally had "Outrageous" on this list as a video but after further research I learned that a video for "Outrageous" was never actually created because it was on this very video that she hurt her knee and had to have immediate surgery which is the reason I didn't get to see her the first time I bought tickets 10 years ago. The total video count is now down to 40 videos because I do not count Britney's 45 seconds of material with Snoop Dogg.
I wish there were more singles or just more videos from this album. It was such a great period for Britney and when she was really at her prime sexy game. She was pushing boundaries. "Me Against The Music" isn't my favorite video but it isn't the worst and "Toxic" and "Everytime" are top contenders for all time favorite.
Update: I just added in all the videos for your viewing pleasure. I love that in the first two stills Britney has a weird mouth gape but in the last still for "Everytime" she is probably eating Warheads with that pucker. Kind of goes with the videos perfectly.
I don't like these singles. These are the songs I skip when they come on. I hope the videos can redeem them.
"I'm a Slave 4 U"
This video looks so sweaty. When did sweat become sexy? It just seems like a very stinky, sticky set. Her hair looks really dirty. Gratuitous abs! Apparently, the premise of this video is that when the world runs out of water we start to wear out lacy panties on the outside of our jeans. And everyone kind of dances just a little slow and mostly lays around. This video is just a painful reminder of the downside of Summer. It is mostly slow sweaty writhing. Now they are having a clothed orgy which seems counter intuitive when it is this hot. DJ don't drip sweat on your records! It is going to cause an electrical malfunction. But wait, the rain is coming! Good for them. I am glad they can wash off all of those bodily secretions.
"Overprotected"
We have Britney driving a silver car in stunna shades and nice little tink tink background noise as the video is kicking off. Her hair looks good in this video. Good for 2002. She is wearing the craziest pants though. Tight velvet with rhinestones down the side. She looks a lot like Madonna. This video mostly revolves around Britney dancing on a chaise and her new friends discovering her secret dance warehouse. Now they are dancing together. She made secret friends and she is so excited that she needs to hump the wall. Like a hyper Pomeranian who happens to make new friends and instantly know the same choreographed dance numbers. I love Britney's warehouse Fortress of Solitude. It has a room with picture of her all over and news headlines and the walls close in on her. What a metaphor! She is wearing a new crazy dress thing with printed hearts and in bizarre floral pattern and looks even more like Madonna and just throwing dance moves for now reason. The video ends with the poutiest of pouty looks which would make sense if this video had any plot.
"I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman"
I think this is the video from Crossroads. I really hope so. It opens where her conquering a desert peak. She is just sitting on that magical cliff in her ruffly peasant top that shows off her midriff. She is looking ripped as she explores these beautiful CGI caverns. Who decided it was a good idea for Britney to sing about the differences between being a girl and a woman in land of canyons and caves. It is like a living Georgia O'Keeffe painting. They literally keep pulling in and out with the camera from a tight cavern as she sings the chorus. This is definitely not the Crossroad video. More vagina cavern as she sings "I am trying to find the woman in me". I think Britney may singlehandedly be responsible for low rise pants muffin tops.
"Overprotected (Darkchild Remix)"
So this is the second video for the same song except this is the Darkchild Remix which just seems like a gratuitous reason to make another video but the first one was trash so I guess I can't complain. We begin with a news cast about Britney being too sexy at an awards show. Britney TOO sexy? No way. She is just a tiger who needs out. And now she is escaping her hotel room protected by a body guard. Messing with the security cameras. Dancing in the sexiest yellow bandanna dress. Her but is inches from showing but the long loin cloth has the front business covered. Britney is moving out of the hotel and is in a super stretch CGI limo that is turning into a club. Oh Britney you minx. Fancy dance number with strobes in the ornate hotel lobby is mediocre and she is wearing pink stockings with the snaps and straps on the outside of jeans. Not a good look. She has moved on to dancing in the pouring rain and getting so sensually soaked. She really upped her sexy game from video one with contact near butt shots.
"I Love Rock N' Roll"
The video begins with a mic tap and a "Is This Thing On". Really Britney? By this point I am used to suspending reality when watching your videos but you just stumbling upon a full set up stage with guitars to just sing your favorite rock song? The fake vintage footage in the beginning makes you look a lot more Janis Joplin than Joan Jett and they breathy voice works for your other songs but this is a bad cover. She looks like she is just wearing TGIF flare and has partnered with Savage Garden to just lay down the world's worst track. Why do you have a phone number on your hand? Why is the amp making a puddle and why is she crawling towards it? Gross baby voice complimented by gratuitous abs! Now she is dry riding a motorcycle with a leather hat which transitions to her smashing amps that launch glitter. Really glitter on a Joan Jett cover video? Well I guess we can just wrap this video with a ton of greasy hair flips.
"Anticipating"
Before we get started, this video was difficult to find. Apparently, this is single that was only released in France and didn't even chart very well. This video is not part of any Britney channel I can find but my research says that it should be part of the cannon. It is live video from one of her tours and only has 52,265 views on YouTube. Here we go.
What is what this giant coloring books phone? And there are coloring book houses and a daintily umbrella dance? Now a pink Cadillac has pulled up with five of her closest friends and they are driving from coloring book house town to the stage and oh my god. Britney is wearing a floor length denim skirt with patchwork details and a patchwork crop top with a pleather hat. This song sounds like an amazing Janet. Now a coloring book Cadillac has shown up. Who decided on this weird coloring book idea for the set for her concert? These clothes are bananas. A back up dancer is wearing an asymmetrical vinyl skirt. Britney can dance in this video. It really shows how great of a performer she was in her heyday. Boys just emerged from the trap door in the floor. This video is kind of really cute but still cheesy. Gratuitous Pepsi drink! Now she is getting the crowd to sing with her. Britney was really the boss once upon a time no matter how wacky her clothes were. I might have to download this song.
"Boys"
This video begins with the nerd from the New Guy. Love that. Apparently, we are in a French chateau where Britney has a harem of Amazonian warriors tending to her every need. She has amazing hair in this video so far. And a crazy long table with sexy strawberries. This video is kind of really good and their is just a zebra walking around. PHARELL! He is singing and Britney is stalking her prey. Man, this video is sexy. Legitimately sexy with boys dripping water while they swim and Pharell and Britney just breathy singing at each other in a dark blue lit bar. Now the dance number begins and AUSTIN POWERS is here. Brit is wearing an all black sequin and leather outfit kind of like Janet's wardrobe malfunction with an awesome purple tulle underlay. Now her and Austin Powers are doing the funky chicken together. They are getting kind of close. They are escaping to the secret top of the fancy chateau. Britney could only be so lucky.
"Boys" is a diamond in the rough. Most of these videos are just sexy balls of shit and "Anticipating" is just weird and maybe doesn't even really count. "Boys" could be considered my favorite so far.
