Unsure Existentialism

I am not really sure what existentialism is. I mean I could Google it. In fact, I just did to make sure I spelled it right. I saw "I Heart Huckabees" and I think that movie had something to do with existentialism but I was also in college and everything blew my mind at that time.

I think I might be thinking a lot about existentialism but I am not sure. This is why I bring this up. I think that I just like thinking that I think I am being existential and therefore don't want to look it up for fear that I am wrong. What if the internet just says that I am not being existential and that I am just a dumb privileged white boy? That would make me sad and I am already prone to sadness enough as it is. I don't need the internet reminding my that I am not a snowflake.

This isn't supposed to be a post where I get all down on myself so I am just going to draw the line there on that front. I did go to a Manic Pixie Dream Girl movie today about love and abortion and those kinds of movies make me have feeling about being connect and everyone's experience existing in a vortex and just being spit back out through different bodies. Here is a list of movies that make me think like this:

• Away We Go
• 500 Days of Summer
• Garden State
• The Royal Tennenbaums
• Almost Famous

There are probably a lot more but that list got boring. I am sure there a lot more. I really wanted to put Star Wars or Jurassic Park on that list to fuck with you but I didn't because I felt like that list should be really true to life. I want someone to find that list in 200 years and think that those movies are the greatest works of our time.

After the movie, I came home and walked the dog around the neighborhood and I realized how great everything in the entire world was and how naive and silly that was but that it was great that I could feel like everything was beautiful and know that not everything is beautiful at the exact same time. I walked the dog who did not really need a walk by all the bars so I could see all the people and their Saturday outfits (white Converse are really cool right this minute) and their booze smiles and the dim neon and just kind of soak it up. I thought about how this is the kind of shit I am going to tell my nieces and nephews about in like 20 years when they want to know what Portland was like in the 2010s. It is like how I get really excited when I meet someone who lived in San Francisco in the 60s and 70s and I ask them a million questions. I needed to walk around tonight so I could just see everything so I could describe it to Jake's nephew Jack when he is 23 and thinks Boise, ID or Cheyenne, WY are the coolest city in the world.

I am really happy to be here today. 

Wellness Wednesday: Week 3 (On Thursday)

I am on trackhaving lost another pound this week putting me under 10 pounds from my goal. Last night wasn't a great night and today has been a bit worse so I am going to keep this short and say that amongst all of this shit I have to wade through right now it is nice to have this once thing.

Fiftieth Post: Nothing

I'd like to talk about nothing. When life is filled with emails to answer, meetings to attend, meals to cook, calories to burn, dogs to walk, showers to take, students to cheer on, and clothes to put away, I start to fantasize about nothingness. He's an attractive companion on a Friday night especially when your lovely boyfriend is out with his best friend having tacos and margaritas.

Here is what I have done this evening since I got home from the gym:

• Showered
• I drove back to work to get my keys because I left them there.
• I went to Taco Bell.
• I ate the Taco Bell.
• I watched Wheel of Fortune.
• I walked the dog.
• I ate a Skinny Cow (I somehow was really under my calories for the day)
• I listened to 6 Disney songs on Pandora and I skipped Hakuna Matata. (Kiss the Girl is playing right now.)

My friend give me shit for not wanting to do anything on Fridays. I don't want to have happy hour or go dancing or have a fancy dinner. I want to eat out for about $6 and then come home and watch tv or read or watch a movie. I spend my entire week listening to people talk about their hopes, dreams and fears and then I came home and run around like a crazy person after going to the gym. If this was yesterday, this is what I would have done after the gym:

• Cooked dinner
• Walked dog
• Made lunch for next day
• Cleaned coffee pot and ground coffee for the next day
• Made Jake's lunch (which isn't a requirement but if I am making food already I should just do it)
• Made breakfast for the next day
• Did all of the dishes for the four meals I just made which is usually done in three rounds
• Laid out clothes for the next day and packed back pack
• Eat a Skinny Cow
• Take a shower (Notice how much farther this falls down the list.
• Maybe read/watch TV for a half hour or so before I collapse

You see what nothing is so appealing. Just a little time to recharge and reflect. 

Also, I ended up consuming about 12 Disney songs writing this post. The best was "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan.

Wellness Wednesday: Week 2

I weighed myself this morning. It was something I had been looking forward to all week. Having been at a plateau for some time I really wanted to see some progress. I did.I was down two pounds which was right on track especially given I have only been counting for a week and we had Chinese food on Sunday and leftovers last night.

I am worried that I am trying to do too much right now. With trying to read more actively as well as write more often, I am so tired at night and can barely get up in the mornings in orse to walk to work. I am really slacking on the walk 6 times a week thing which hasn't been great. Additionally, I haven't been walking the dog for as long as I used too. Baby steps I guess but I do really need to up my game if I am going to continue to be successful. Coubti g is great but it will only get me so far.

Wellness Wednesday: Week 1

Eating healthy is really hard. You constantly have to think about what you are eating and what you are drinking. When I am not a calorie count fix, I just pile drive Coke into my face like nothing. Same with lattes and sweetened iced teas. And donuts from work. And cookies from work. And two pieces of cake in one day from the same party at work.

My most successful attempts at managing my weight involve me finding a couple of things I really like and sticking to them. Currently, we are on a Trader Joe's greek yogurt, Kashi bar, Kashi cookie, kale and chicken salad, overnight oatmeal kick. Things work great as long as I plan far in advance but the moment I run out of red onion early the world literally feels like it is going to collapse and I am going to die unless I eat Chipotle.

Food isn't just fuel for me. I love the flavors and texture. I love sweet and spicy and salty and sour. I look forward to going to bed so I can get up the next morning and eat again. Knowing I have a limited amount of calories that doesn't accommodate blueberry scones from Starbucks or Burgerville burgers and fries is stresssssssful. I'm doing good so far but I need to remember to ease up on myself a bit once a week especially on Fridays when I kill it with both walks to and from work and a gym workout. 

Similar to working out. I've been hitting it really hard since being home from Canada. So hard that I think I pulled a hamstring. I also overslept this morning which never happens unless my body really needs the rest. I was supposed to walk to and from work today but I needed the day off. I had an internal battle this morning but finally said that if I just stuck to my calories I could have a "lazy" day and just let these muscles rest up. At the end of the day, I feel really good about that. I don't want to push myself to breaking because 12 weeks is a long time and I need to look banging poolside in some short shorts this Summer.

Summer Reading List

I am not doing so hot on my  goal of 12 books in 12 months and I am not super happy with that. Jake and I have been watching a lot more TV lately and I need to curb that a bit. I am setting a sprint goal of reading 6 books this Summer (finishing 1 and reading 5 really). I have included a couple shorties that I have wanted to read for a while which should help me get closer to my goal. I am hoping to have these read by September 1 and starting something new on the plane to San Diego.

1. The One Minute Manager (A perenial favorite at InsideTrack)
2. Gentleman Of The Road (Which is 50% finished)
3. The Enneagram Made Easy (A breeze but the foundation of something I am really interested in)
4. Franny and Zooey (I've started it about 4 times and need to just knock it out of the park)
5. On The Road (I feel like it is the perfect Summer book that I have never read)
6. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (It seems light and easy. I need something to get saucy when I am at the river)

Wellness Wednesday: Week 0

There is a lot of talk lately about body acceptance and body shaming and honoring your body and shredding your body. A lot of this talk is directed at women and this post in no ways meant to demean that struggle. Women have an up hill battle when it comes to loving who they are because of the ideals we have on them.

I have a hard time wanting to eat after I read a GQ. I also have the same issues when I read Queerty and when I watch a superhero movie.

People reading this are going to say, "But Patrick you've lost like 30 pounds since last year. You should be so proud" which isn't helpful. I am proud. I spent probably $600 over the past year on clothes that fit so I better be proud. I have muscles now and my abdominal wall could probably withstand a sucker punch. My calves legs have almost no fat on them.

When I look in the mirror, I want to see my body as a badge of honor. I want it to reflect the same hard work that I put into my job. The same dedication I put into the projects I do. I don't see that yet. I see a person that looks a lot different then where I was 14 months ago. I haven't gone quite as far as I wanted to yet. When I set out on this journey, I wanted to weigh 175 pounds which was what I read that Bob Harper weighed on Wikipedia. I said to myself "I could be Bob" and I aimed for that goal and when I didn't get anywhere close I was bummed. I felt like a failure so early this year I decided to settle on another goal I had set for myself as a check point and have yet to reach: to be within the healthy BMI range for someone my height.

BMI naysayers please refrain. This isn't about you and your goals. This is about my goal. The BMI has meaning to me and I don't care about the science behind it. If I lose the ten pounds to be under my BMI, I am going to be no less healthy. I will be a little more confident and a little more proud because I will have gotten all the way to my goal.

My BMI should be between 136 and 184 to be considered in the "healthy" range. Before you leave a comment, I know I am healthy. I can withstand 90 minutes of intense cardio and strength training at high level and feel great the next day. This isn't about being healthy. This is about being where I want to be.

I leave for San Diego for my big Summer vacation in late August quite possibly on August 28th. Over the next 12 weeks, I will post an update every week talking about my progress towards this goal. This is week zero where I set the baseline. Here are the things I know I need to do to get where I want to be:

1. Jazzercise 5 times a week: This worked last Summer and is the reason I haven't put really any weight back on.
2. Walk to or from work a total of 6 times a week especially on the days that I don't go to the gym: This is tough but I need to do it to also save money on bus passes. The plan is to walk to work on Tuesdays and Thursday, to and from on Wednesdays and to and from on Fridays.
3. Do something physical on Sundays: I don't go to the gym on Sundays because the schedule sucks and a lot of the time I am running errands. This Summer, Sundays are for swimming in the river or hiking in the forest or working in a garden.
4. Walk the dog for 20 minutes twice a day. I did this last Summer and it also really helped. Additionally, it is nice to spend sometime walking with Jake.
5. Make more and better playlists for when I am walking. This is crucial for me actually do this.
6. Wear my Up band and exceed 20,000 steps at least 5 days a week. On the two days I don't Jazz, I need to exceed 15,000.
7. Count calories. It is tedious and I hate it but it works for my body. Nothing else works or is as manageable. I need to eat about 2000 on days I don't work out and 2300 on days I do work out.
8. Beverages should be limited to water, sparkling water, coffee with half and half once a day, and an occasional diet soda or Crystal light. I need to drink 128 ounces to feel really hydrated and good. Did I mention I hate water?
9. Burn dessert: I haven't tried this yet but I read about it. On days that I want a sweet treat, I need to first go burn it by doing something additional to the above. Common suggestions were walking steps (1 minute is ten calories) or jumping jacks (1 jack for each calorie)

 I need accountability and encouragement as I get a little closer to my goal each day. This isn't going to be easy but it also won't be that hard once I get in a rhythm. The reward is checking something off my 29 before 29 and looking rocking in Vegas this Summer.

Week 0: June 4
Week 1: June 11
Week 2: June 18
Week 3: June 25
Week 4: July 2
Week 5: July 9
Week 6: July 16
Week 7: July 23
Week 8: July 30
Week 9: August 6
Week 10: August 13
Week 11: August 20
Week 12: August 27

Disney Movie Reflection: The Little Mermaid

So this is everyone's favorite. Brandon's, Sam's, Amanda's. All their favorites and, oddly, it isn't one that I know well. I don't have the connection that everyone else has. We didn't own it on VHS and I don't remember seeing in the theaters. Here are my Little Mermaid memories:

• I remember someone taped it for us on a blank tape and that it didn't work very well at all. In fact, I remember the first scene where the ocean is really dark and there is some song that Eric and his crew sing. That is as much as I remember as a kid. 
• I know my dad used to say that the movie was a great work of film. He thought it was an accomplishment. Not that he watched it more than   but when he did, he enjoyed himself which leads me to believe that I watched it with him at some point. (It came out when I was 4 so give me a break.)
• I remember that there were two urban legends closely tied to the movie: dicks on the VHS cover and the priest having a boner. The former was true but only by accident and the later is silly.
• We had  Flounder and Sebastian Christmas ornaments. They were plush. Flounder wore a scarf and Sebastian had ear muffs. When my mom dies, I inherit them.

Pretty blank canvas. So I decided to watch it on a Sunday night when I hadn't had much alone time during the weekend. Jake went to bed at like 9:30 and I stayed up to watch it knowing I could sleep in the next day and work from home.

This movie is sad and creepy and pretty and the songs are weird but awesome. 

Why is it sad? The movie is really desperate. Ariel is desperate for Eric. Eric is desperate to find the girl who saved him. Eric's kingdom is desperate for his to marry. Ursula is desperate to get back to the palace. They are all so at wits end that they make stupid mistakes that cause there undoing. Just think things through.

Why is it creepy? Ariel is 16 and she is marrying a man she rescued and then spent less than three days with. 

Why is it pretty? Triton is a hot fish daddy. Also, the animation is really beautiful. It is the first movie to make a definite move from the scratch 70s and 80s, Don Bluth style and move towards the Golden age style. Triton's sea castle is the things Atlantis fantasies are made of and Eric's castle is actually quite realistic compared to all the other royalty based films.

Why are the song weird but awesome?

Under the Sea is basically about how when Ariel goes on land she will see all her friends eaten. People love this song. Kiss the Girl is basically a rehashing of the story in song. We already know he needs to kiss the girl but we are told it again and again and we like it.

Disney Movie Reflection: The Jungle Book

This is one of the Disney movies where I remember the story but didn't remember the movie. I know the songs and the characters but I just didn't really remember the movie. I also feared that the movie was going to be vaguely racist or at best culturally insensitive.

It was generally the opposite. Pleasant and pretty. A good story with great songs. I like bears as you know and this has quite frankly once of the best Disney bears in the entire cannon. Baloo is hilarious. Each of the supporting characters are funny and embody a virtue or character flaw in a way that illustrates how moderation is as important as balance. Too much fun and Baloo looses Mowgli. Too much structure and Bageera pushes Mowgli away.

It is interesting to watching each of these movies that are classics in their own right but not part of my family's collection of bubbly white plastic packaged VHSes. Similar to Lady and the Tramp, this is a Disney movie I discovered and came to enjoy more as an adult than I recall as a child.